How I Handled My Toddler's Tantrum & Turned It Into Connection
And cut my toddler’s tantruming down to a minute
Parenting tips you won’t want to miss
Tantrums happen—it’s part of having a toddler. What makes all the difference is how we respond in those big, emotional moments. Recently, I had the perfect opportunity to practice what I teach: slowing down, validating, and choosing connection over conflict.
The Secret: Validation
When my 3-year-old melted down, my first thought was: “What is it like to be in her little shoes right now?”
Her behavior (crying, yelling, laying on the floor) wasn’t easy to handle, but the feelings underneath were crystal clear—disappointment, frustration, sadness. I reminded myself that validation doesn’t mean agreeing with the behavior; it means showing her that her feelings make sense.
How I Accidentally Set Us Up for a Tantrum
I’ll be honest: I played a role in her meltdown.
Here was the plan I gave her:
Play school
Eat dinner
Watch one episode
Go on a night walk with our dogs
We were both excited about the walk. But by the time the show ended, it was too dark. I decided it wasn’t a good idea anymore. And just like that, the plan she was counting on got pulled away.
For a 3-year-old, that feels huge.
Taking Accountability
Instead of brushing it off or getting defensive, I owned my part. I turned off distractions, knelt down, and gave her full attention. Looking her in the eyes, I said:
“I’m sorry for letting you down. It got too dark, and I think it would be better if we go tomorrow right after we all get home.”
That moment of accountability matters. Our kids learn not just from what we say but from how we model responsibility and repair.
What Validation Looked Like in the Moment
The apology didn’t erase her feelings—she still had a full meltdown. But here’s where the shift happened:
I co-regulated instead of reacting. I kept my calm, sat with her, and stayed present.
I put words to her emotions: “I know, baby. I totally understand. I’m upset too.”
I offered soothing touch. Sometimes a hug or gentle presence is just as powerful as words.
Little by little, her body relaxed. Her tears slowed. Her frustration softened into acceptance. The tantrum only lasted a few minutes because she felt heard and understood.
Moving Forward Together
Once she was calm, I gently moved us along to the next activity. And that’s an important piece too—helping kids shift after the storm has passed.
Do I always handle tantrums this way? No. Every situation is different, and I’m human too. Sometimes it’s really hard to manage my own emotions in the heat of the moment. But this time, choosing empathy, accountability, and validation turned a hard situation into a moment of connection.
Takeaway for Parents
Next time your child has a tantrum, try this:
Pause & breathe before reacting.
Acknowledge your role if you contributed to their frustration.
Validate the feelings first, not the behavior.
Stay connected—through words, eye contact, or touch.
Move forward together once they feel heard.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents—they need present ones. And when they feel validated, they learn that their big feelings are manageable and safe to share.
Angelina Rey, LMFT